As I am trying to get this memorial service for my mom together, I'm going through a lot of pictures of her. I just got a bunch from her sister, of when she was younger.
I've been with mom almost every day, for the last 17 years. Then, she was about 300 pounds. The last 6 years mom battled mini strokes and type 2 diabetes. She was losing weight the past 5 years or so, which we attributed to her not having her stressful job anymore (she wrongfully got fired after her first stroke).
Her nails were always bitten to the quick from the stress she was under at the brokerage firm. After she "medically" retired (no job for her to go to, anymore--plus, nobody would hire a 76 yr old woman) her nails grew. So we thought the weight loss was from her not stress eating.
She was diagnosed with a pancreatic mass 19 months ago during a hospital stay. We elected to not biopsy or treat her for it. I started her on the Joe Tippens protocol, which I did for about seven months.
However, I lost control of her meds after the final stroke that put her in rehab. She never got well enough to leave the nursing home. SInce they controlled her meds, wouldn't give her anything except from FDA approved, labeled bottles , I couldn't get them to give her the off-label fenbendazole. Mom lost too much executive reasoning to self-administer the meds, or I would have sneaked them in to her. I could get one dose in for sure, during my daily visit, but the protocol is 2x a day.
It took mom exactly one year of nursing care--where she was off the Joe Tippens protocol --to finally die. She weighed less than 130 when she passed and her official diagnosis was "protein-calorie malnutrition ". My friend who runs a hospice told me it's a bullshit diagnosis when the doctors can't be certain exactly what's causing the patient to decline, except her weight was plummeting.
It's been 12 days since mom left me. And, as I've been going through these photos of her, I've noticed
that the weight loss was profound and not like when Oprah lost weight, where she looked like a bobble- head. This looks like cancer, where mom was skeletal and her flesh melted away.
I had one final photo of my mom that I took a week before she died, for my aunt. (She tried to snap a picture during their last FaceTime but it didn't work so she asked me to take a picture.) I just looked at it and that's when I realized how bad my mom deteriorated.
There's only 1 reason I'm not sure about it.
My mom was not in pain when she died. I asked her, countless times, and trust me, she would have told me.
The nurses all told me that pancreatic cancer is extremely painful. My mom did not exhibit that pain at all. She cried out once, when her sheets were being changed, because she was so thin and the movement hurt her. But she was okay after a minute. She never asked for morphine.
So although everything looked like cancer, I can't say for sure.
Maybe the Lord spared her that pain.
Oh.... one last update
My brother is not coming to the service.
He just RSVP'd.
I am trying to be charitable. That means that I'm not trying to judge him or be bitter about it.
It is his choice. I think that it is a poor one, and an abysmal example for his children.
This is difficult for me to accept. Your mother's memorial service is a big deal. So big, that the military would send you home from war to attend it.
As retired military, he can even fly space-A within CONUS.
There's no excuse for him not attending. He hasn't contributed even a penny towards her final expenses or the memorial.
I don't know how to feel about this. I want to be angry at him for not loving our mom, but I think my mom would rather have me pray for him because this is pretty indicative of his heart's condition and I know this was a source of anxiety for her. She knows I'm okay and we'll see each other again. But him... not so much. Deep inside, I think she knew his heart was hard.
@CONSERVATARIAN@freeatlantis.com@MMA
Crying over here. I haven't been on here much, missed your posts and was wondering how you and your family were doing.
I am so very sorry about the loss of your dear mother. 
You took such terrific care of her. I'm also so sorry about your brother's behavior.
Prayers of peace and comfort for you and your family.
Love,
Kathryn
It is an on and off thing, this grieving. It seems like I am doing okay, for a bit, but then I'll dissolve into tears.
I knew this was approaching and honestly I didn't want my mom to continue to suffer the way she was, but I didn't want her to go, either.
In terms of eternity, mom is good and better than she's ever been. But for earthbound me, it's difficult. She's in perfect joy, but I'm surrounded by memories of mom everywhere I turn.
I know time will help. I'm coping.
Will keep you in our prayers. 
Our much heartfelt condolences for your mom’s passing. 
@MissusTruth__1776
I know you mean that especially since you met my mom. Thank you.
I treasure that. Meeting both of you and your son. You are all in our prayers. 
I read somewhere that when it gets too bad just think if them in the next room.
Which they are, really.
The next room with Jesus.
You'll see them.
Soon.
@MMA I'm sending hugs and prayers sweetheart. 