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Her nails were always bitten to the quick from the stress she was under at the brokerage firm. After she "medically" retired (no job for her to go to, anymore--plus, nobody would hire a 76 yr old woman) her nails grew. So we thought the weight loss was from her not stress eating.

She was diagnosed with a pancreatic mass 19 months ago during a hospital stay. We elected to not biopsy or treat her for it. I started her on the Joe Tippens protocol, which I did for about seven months.

However, I lost control of her meds after the final stroke that put her in rehab. She never got well enough to leave the nursing home. SInce they controlled her meds, wouldn't give her anything except from FDA approved, labeled bottles , I couldn't get them to give her the off-label fenbendazole. Mom lost too much executive reasoning to self-administer the meds, or I would have sneaked them in to her. I could get one dose in for sure, during my daily visit, but the protocol is 2x a day.

It took mom exactly one year of nursing care--where she was off the Joe Tippens protocol --to finally die. She weighed less than 130 when she passed and her official diagnosis was "protein-calorie malnutrition ". My friend who runs a hospice told me it's a bullshit diagnosis when the doctors can't be certain exactly what's causing the patient to decline, except her weight was plummeting.

It's been 12 days since mom left me. And, as I've been going through these photos of her, I've noticed

that the weight loss was profound and not like when Oprah lost weight, where she looked like a bobble- head. This looks like cancer, where mom was skeletal and her flesh melted away.

I had one final photo of my mom that I took a week before she died, for my aunt. (She tried to snap a picture during their last FaceTime but it didn't work so she asked me to take a picture.) I just looked at it and that's when I realized how bad my mom deteriorated.

There's only 1 reason I'm not sure about it.

My mom was not in pain when she died. I asked her, countless times, and trust me, she would have told me.

The nurses all told me that pancreatic cancer is extremely painful. My mom did not exhibit that pain at all. She cried out once, when her sheets were being changed, because she was so thin and the movement hurt her. But she was okay after a minute. She never asked for morphine.

So although everything looked like cancer, I can't say for sure.

Maybe the Lord spared her that pain.

Oh.... one last update

My brother is not coming to the service.
He just RSVP'd.

I am trying to be charitable. That means that I'm not trying to judge him or be bitter about it.

It is his choice. I think that it is a poor one, and an abysmal example for his children.

This is difficult for me to accept. Your mother's memorial service is a big deal. So big, that the military would send you home from war to attend it.

As retired military, he can even fly space-A within CONUS.

There's no excuse for him not attending. He hasn't contributed even a penny towards her final expenses or the memorial.

I don't know how to feel about this. I want to be angry at him for not loving our mom, but I think my mom would rather have me pray for him because this is pretty indicative of his heart's condition and I know this was a source of anxiety for her. She knows I'm okay and we'll see each other again. But him... not so much. Deep inside, I think she knew his heart was hard.

@Lino0876

Yes, love, on the 24th. I was with her. It was hard to watch but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

@MMA Again I'm so sorry and sorry your brother is being a dick. My dad passed 11 months ago today.

@Lino0876

My belated condolences. I hope it is getting easier to bear. I am still crying a lot, even though I knew it was coming.

@MMA My mom is still taking it hard.

@CarolEmmarie @Lino0876

I'm almost done with the video for my mom's service. It's a hodge podge of photos everybody sent to me and ones I found by looking in all of mom's boxes. Plus everything I could grab off my phone.

At first I was going to use the classic Commodore's song "Zoom" for the background music. But I prayed for the perfect song and a memory of a song came to me out of nowhere last night. It's going to be "I Will Remember You" by Amy Grant.

We all will remember our moms.

@MMA @CarolEmmarie @Lino0876

Great choice.

After the service it would be awesome if you posted it here, if you are so inclined.

@CONSERVATARIAN

It is an on and off thing, this grieving. It seems like I am doing okay, for a bit, but then I'll dissolve into tears.

I knew this was approaching and honestly I didn't want my mom to continue to suffer the way she was, but I didn't want her to go, either.

In terms of eternity, mom is good and better than she's ever been. But for earthbound me, it's difficult. She's in perfect joy, but I'm surrounded by memories of mom everywhere I turn.

I know time will help. I'm coping.

@MMA @CONSERVATARIAN

Will keep you in our prayers. Our much heartfelt condolences for your mom’s passing.

@MissusTruth__1776
I know you mean that especially since you met my mom. Thank you.

@MMA

I treasure that. Meeting both of you and your son. You are all in our prayers.

@Lori @MMA

@BGrilln365247

I feel the same. His ex wife (I still call her my SIL) divorced him over a decade ago, but still tries to make things better when he does callous crap. While he took their kids on his 20K Disney vacation with his third wife, she drove up with my daughter to see mom for the last time. While they were with her my SIL called my brother so he and the kids could face time with her on her deathbed.

I don't know how to feel about that. They should have been there in person.

@CDuBois

Thank you sister. I receive that.

@Lori

Amen sister. I have done right by my mom when she lived with me, and allowed that meat-ax across the threshold to see her... but, no more!

I will not suffer him in my house anymore. My duty and responsibility to care for my mom is ended. Part of caring for her was to get her closer to him because I knew she wanted to see her son more. If we hadn't moved to Texas, he wouldn't have made any effort.

I am in a way glad he won't be at the memorial. It's easier for me.

I wanted to share a few pictures of my mom with you.

I found some of them when I was going through her pictures. Some are from my aunt's stash. ( She inherited all the pictures from my grandmother.) Quite a few of these I'd never seen before.

I really miss my mom.

@MMA

So pretty! She looks very sassy too. Now we know where got it,